It's been a tough few weeks. Waiting for scans and then scan results always, ALWAYS freaks me out. This time fortunately, the news is ok.
While the bones remain the same (they don't react to chemo), they're still calcifying and it's ok to go horse riding so I take that as 'they are good!'.
The tumours on the liver have shrunk further and I'm about as normal as I will ever be. I'm finished with the 6 months of chemo (three weeks on and one week off to feel sorry for myself!), I finished on the Thursday and on the Monday I climbed up to Maebb's Cairn. (Maeve's Cairn).
It's technically a hill but to me it was a mountain. It nearly ruddy killed me. I had to stop every ten steps just to get my breath back...God bless chemo! It took me forever but it was so important that I did it. I've lost so much to this disease and every little triumph is a stamp on cancer's fat, ugly head!
Someone up there has a sense of humour though because I said to my hubby that we should find a pensioner to walk behind so it looks like we're just being polite and are walking slowly so as not to intimidate the dear old thing.
About 40 seconds later a guy in his 70's walked right past us and was well on his way back down by the time I was near the top. Seriously?? It gave us a laugh though..until I was over taken by a couple with a four year old daughter. It's a good thing I have very little pride left to loose isn't it!
When I reached the top, I looked at the view and remembered how scared of heights I was. If you've ever had chemotherapy you'll know what I'm talking about when I say 'chemo brain' right? How could I have forgotten I was scared of heights?
Anyway, I did managed to get back down but I had to look at my feet all the way and when I did stop to take a photo I had to sit down or face dizziness and a fall.
Want a peek?
This is the actual cairn. It's much larger than it originally was because people bring a stone up to add to it when they reach it. There's a huge sign saying don't climb the cairn as it's a sacred site, which it is. I retorted 'Climb it? The buggers will have to bury me in it' as I collapsed in a heap. It made some German tourists laugh anyway. Gosh but their English is good!
My youngest son took this photo as we are nearly reaching the bottom. I couldn't have done any of this without my soul mate, my wonderful husband. And yes, I did start singing 'Climb Every Mountain'...loudly and badly, followed by a ten minute rest to get my breath back!
The views were worth it. I got so out of breath though..seriously out of breath..gasping in fact and I'll admit that I cried a few times on the way up. I was just so frustrated with myself and honestly, at times I just felt I couldn't do it. I'm a woman and we don't do personal weakness very well do we?
I start a new treatment regime now, which will hopefully keep everything stable and the chemo side effects should wear off. I know this winning and keeping one step ahead of it can't go on forever but I'm getting there mentally and I'm trying to make the most of life.
However......... no one ever tells you how to handle this crap.
How to deal with family who mourn you before you are gone. (Apparently this is a normal reaction on their part).
How to deal with the fear in your children's eyes and how to deal with finding your partner crying quietly in a corner because they think you are somewhere else and they don't want you know how much they are hurting.
It's horrible and it's cruel.
If I'd just died, they could mourn me but they are having to live with this as much as I am. And some days it's really tough but on the whole we're getting used to this new normal.
So, I've made a few decisions. I stopped crafting for a while. A combination of the treatment, the tiredness, the nerve damage and the mental procrastination of 'I daren't waste life...so what can I do that won't waste life???' led to ..... nothing!
That's changed. I've sorted out all my craft stuff. I given away everything that I won't be using and I've just kept a small amount of everything so I'll use it and not put myself under pressure to 'achieve'. Another female flaw right?
I've started off with crochet. I just finished this little cardigan for my granddaughter. It took a while though!
If lessons are learned by making mistakes, I learned loads and loads but I got there in the end. It was all quite simple until I got to the collar. There were new stitches and it took me a while to get used to them. The photos as usual aren't as nice as they should be. I keep missing the light. Why oh why do we have put the clocks back? I hate this early darkness! But I digress...aw heck..I'll just show it to you.
I just need to block it and its ready to send.
I've also just started a little Aran jacket as well. It's supposed to be 'crochet' in a day. They lied.
But I'm enjoying it ever so much and that's what matters.
It's actually a lighter, creamier colour than shown in the photo but it's really nice yarn.
So a new blog look, a new start and a new attitude.
And my next challenge?
I'm going to make our Christmas cake. I'm a good cook, I really am, but the fruit cake hates me. So that's my challenge. I'm going to make an unsunk, edible Christmas cake. I'll start it next week. Wish me luck!