Ok. Update. It is in my liver and my bones. Originally it was double positive; fed on hormones, so we got rid of the hormones and used a hormon blocker. Unfortunately dormant cells in my liver mutated and are not fed by hormones which means there was nothing to stop them growing.
I've had my first chemo; I have three weeks of chemo and then a week off. Scans all the time and a drug to strengthen my bones. The priority at the moment is to try and shrink it.
I will be getting a visit from palliative care, not because I need them yet but because they are all about symptom management and once I meet them I can build up a relationship with them and they will be 'normal' in our language and not scare my children with this new language. In my day, we only saw these guys at the end: that isnt the case anymore. They are all about maintaining a high quality of life from the start to the end.
I met with my oncologist who was amazing. He explained everything to me and we had a laugh and a joke. I trust him completely: he is amazing and if you can trust your medical team, then that is 90 percent of the battle.
He is hopefull that by changing treatments regularly, I can have some quality time. I didn't go into length because sometimes cancer is unpredictable, as we have seen. I had 80 percent chance of being ok. He reassured me that there was nothing at all I could have done to have prevented this: this is important to me as I need to look my kids in their eyes and say honestly that I did everything I could to prevent this but it was out of my control.
My outlook is positive. Mentally I'm in a good place. I let myself have a five minute wobble a day and it is always because of my children. I'm not afraid. I refuse to waste life being angry and bitter: it achieves nothing. There is nothing left to be afraid of; only when you are living with a cancer diagnosis can you understand the non-stop illogical and irrational fear which ruins every part of you life.
I get to help my family through this: the ultimate parenting lesson, showing them that death is natural, and it's ok. Saying that, I intend to be as naughty as I can in the time I have, and make loads of amazing memories and live life, every second of it to the full.
I cope by making sure my family is ok. So that means sorting out my business so it can 'run' itself: sorting out memory boxes, making sure they are ok financially and emotionally.
I know some people may find my attitude a bit weird. I budget my time but I cope by 'doing'. This is not something that is going to go away: it is not something that is going to get better and I refuse to pretend otherwise. To do so means when it rares it's ugly head, I have to go through the whole shock/fear/panic thing all over again.
I'm setting small goals: not because I am defeatest but because the upset I'm going through is not that I have cancer, but that I am putting my husband and children through this. I feel I have let them down and no logical explanation will ever change that view. I have broken their hearts: it's up to me to help fix them now, and prepare them for what is to come which also includes lots and lots of laughter and fun.
By setting small goals, I will lead a life filled with positive achievements. My first goal is to get my youngest son through his Junior Cert exams. That's 6 weeks. And in 6 weeks, I will come up with a new goal.
I aknowledge this disease, and will deal with side effects and issues as they come up but I'm not going to pretend it isn't there: denial just isn't healthy. I will just deal with things as they come up and make the most of every day.
It is a naughty child which frankly does not deserve the attention it is getting. So I will tell it to sit on the naughty chair and I will deal with it's tantrums as they come up.
Right: now that is me done. No more negativity. Tomorrow I'm going to have my photos taken before my hair drops out. I asked for photos which relate to me and who I am so we are having them outside. They will say ' This is the real me: this is who I am, not some shitty disease'. Hmmmm wonder if I should pull a mooney haha!
Well, lets hope for a good summer: at least I won't have to shave my legs rofl.
A few more plusses include no more mammograms and when I got home from the hospital last Thursday, I was in shock. Friday morning guess what came through the post? A bloody appointment for a smear test! Guess where that fecker went! haha, it's quite funny really. You couldn't make it up.
So. That's me done re cancer. Thank you all for your support. I'm looking forwards to getting home and doing some work on my garden xxx