I don't know about you guys but I seem to have a habit of putting myself under extraordinary pressure even when there is no need. I expect myself to be right/perfect/neat/exact/precise/amazing/wonderful and some kindda super woman.
I stress and worry about the slightest thing even though I know it is not a healthy thing to do, and need to sort myself out.
See..even with this I feel the need to take myself in hand and have put myself under pressure to not be under pressure and....oh I don't know. It is all getting a bit much.
Take my art course. One day a week in a local town, free and therefore should be great fun right?
I am by myself in the morning and in the afternoon I am with two people who seem quite nice but who have LOADS of art experience. And apparently this course is 'student-led' which seems to mean we are told what to do and we just go and get on with it.
Fine if you know what you are doing. I don't and so I just find myself under pressure to be like the other two people and feel I am being judged because I am a complete novice.
It has taken the fun out of it.
So this week, laden with my snotty cold (literally), I skipped a week. And feel much better for it.
I have decided I am going to do what I want to do and let the others get on with what they want to do and sod the sense of competing that I feel. Afterall, I came into this for fun didn't I?
Then there is the Embroiderer's Ledger.
This is a lovely short course run by Karen Ruane and it mixes media: paints etc with embroidery and it really, truley is a great, great course. Very affordable, very do-able and Karen is looking after me beautifully.
So what do I do?
I stress that my paint boxes are not straight: that the colours don't match, that my colour ratios are not right and when week two lessons came in this week I stressed because I was behind. I couldn't bear to pick the rudy thing up. I had come to hate it.
So, quick email to Karen to explain I was a little behind, I dosed myself up (because the cold by this time is bronchitis) and found a new piece of paper, and just went for it. Had fun...well after the fourth torn-out page because of inperfections, I decided to have fun.
And I really like what came out.
I did it slightly differently, but that is ok, because at this stage it has to be fun. I am not a
perfect/neat/exact/precise kindda person so no way was I going to risk stitching threads through holes in the page I had just painted. And that is alright. I am alright with that.
I don't know why I put myself in the situation where I come down on myself like a ton of bricks for not being something I feel I should be.
Even as a teacher, and I taught science, I wasn't precise. I can remember one time I just guestimated the amount of chemical I had to add to a solution when I was rushing through a very quick, impromptu demonstration.
The whole lot fizzed up and covered the whole desk. It went everywhere. It was the best fun those students had had all week, and if I am honest, me too! And guess what come up on the exam paper? And guess whose wonderful students ALL got it right.
So I need to learn that it is ok to be me. I am messy. I don't just paint on canvas, I paint the whole room. I don't just glue my pin-keeps, I glue the whole carpet and my legs too. And that is ok.
Because perfect is that other lady. The one who doesn't live here!
Cup cakes (muffins), butterflies and flowers. How could this go wrong?